I was discussing the importance of community, and being part of a community of faith the other day. One of the people (an American, he was specifically commenting about maintaining transatlatic friendships.) comment to the effect, it’s not the big things that matter, but the little things, it’s the while the kettle boils conversations that are important. He went on to comment it’s the small details, the mundane details, the few moments catching up while the kettle boils that are the times that help to maintain real friendships. This set me thinking, is this true? I know what he means, it’s the little details which give a framework to the big things, that reveal what’s important to someone. It’s regular time that builds the framework for friendship. How do we ensure that we maintain those relationships that are important and meaningful, when we can’t have those kettle boiling moments? Can technology help bridge the gap, or does it widen it? Do we think, everyone knows because it’s been on facebook, we’ve blogged about it, tweeted it, or whatever other form of virtual communication we choose to use. But does that mean that we don’t bother with one to one contact, whether that be in person, a phone call, an individual e-mail, text message etc. I know how often I set facebook status that make perfect sense to me, but make little or no sense to others, or are even taken to mean something completely different to others. I was for example a few days ago having a melt down moment, and had set a I will admit obscue status to this effect, but somebody had commented that it was good to see that I was as full of joy as ever. I will then think people know, when really they don’t have a clue. The greatest friendship building moments are when we just “hang-out” doing nothing in particular. It’s not even the time talking about the deep things that matters, it’s time. Time to just be, time to comment on the shapes of clouds, time to eat ice-cream, time to watch the world go by, time to make Mr potato head (that’s another story). But how do we have those important moments which build friendships but aren’t based on words virtually?

I’ve started to move to the world of Liberalism, and have just started to attend a discussion group. Last week was an initial getting to know each other, and deciding how we want the group to function. This was therefore the first proper week. We are using the DVD Living the Questions to prompt discussions. It is a slightly weird experience going from being use to being the most liberal in evangelical settings, to becoming the most evangelical. It is a refreshing experience however. It seems that evangelicals start with the bible and see what it says about life and apply it. This is fine in theory but it means that when life doesn’t fit we can end up feeling hurt and guilty. Also t seems like the aim of the whole thing is to end up in heaven. So far I would say that the liberals start with real life and then ask what has the bible to say. It also feels like heaven (and hell) aren’t a big feature, it’s about what difference does it make to now. I wait to see how my thinking develops.
Also had an interesting conversation about language and meaning with a friend who’s first language isn’t English. It helped me to see that we need to be aware that the same words can have different meanings and that as long as we are aware of that, that it can be an enriching not separating experience. As long as we are able to remember that words may have different meanings, and not insist that our definition is right then it can be a positive.

I have too much time on my hands, as one of my friends told me when I commented that I had been reading up on Guatemalan Quaker worship. There are lots of things I should be doing, but all require myself to motivate myself, and self-motivation is something that I am much lacking at the moment. My brain therefore instead of thinking on things it should do, has felt that it should run free, start earthquakes, push at walls to see what happens, and generally cause as much chaos as possible. I have hinted at this in my previous two blogs this week. Following a conversation, which is best described as the final push in my thinking, I realised that what I meant by a word was not the same as the person using it, as it was something that to me had more significance than to most I struggled. This however sent my brain spinning down the how do we ever know that our meaning of words is the same as anyone. This led to lots of thinking about our everyday interactions, and our ability to hurt others without meaning to. But also took me to the how can we ever know anything about anything world. Including how can we ever know that anything we say is understood correctly, and that anything we hear/ read we have understood as the communicator expects us to? This lack of shared understanding becomes more difficult the more barriers such as different culture, social status, nationality and time that are in the communication. This then led me to a world where I renewed my questioning of how we could hope to overcome all these barriers when looking at the Bible. Also I then started to think about how we have to rely on others to help us, and how are we to know we are understanding then correctly, before we even start to understand there agenda? It probably didn’t help that a few weeks ago just for fun I had started reading about realist and anti-realist views of truth, and how this affects are view of God!

The north pole, has well always been in the arctic, at the top, generally where the north pole should be, so that the rest of the world made sense. I was quiet happy with z and y must be true, because the north pole is where it should be. However I think someone has moved the north pole. It feels like I’m trying to make z and y true, but what these statements were built on is no longer true. Unfortunately this leads to everything being questionable. As I walk the land is no longer stationary. I use to walk along, and admire the view, certain that I could return to refresh my memory if need. I did not expect to find that the earth was moving as I walked. That the certainties would disappear, and that I would be left wondering what is true? Is there even such a concept. Is who I am, who I want to be? If not why not? What makes me, me? Is it even possible to change that if I want to? Should I treasure the questions or search for answers?

Often we use the same words as other people but attach different meanings to them. Words have universal meanings as set down in dictionaries for example, but individuals experiences and dialects will attach different meanings to them. So while we may think that we are being clear about what we mean, others will interpret the words completely differently, for a range of reasons. A light hearted example of this was told to me by someone at work (T). T had been visiting her sister (M) who now lives down south. M had asked T if she wanted to go shopping, T not really wanting a day trailing round the shops looking at clothes etc had said no. When M returned from the supermarket, T commented if i’d known you were going for the messages and not shopping i’d have come with you. I was then asked what word i’d have used and said I’d have used the word grocery shopping, or food shopping. This is just a light hearted example of how words need to have agreed meaning to have value. In this context it was unimportant, but what about when we think that the words we are using have agreed meaning, and that we are all using the same agreed meaning, but we’re not leading to misunderstanding and miscommunication? When someone feels vulnerable and hurt not because someone has deliberately upset them but because the shared meaning of words was taken for granted when it shouldn’t have been.

Yesterday in the sermon the phrase “a ramshackle and worm eaten faith but with the ruins still standing.” This evening I described myself as a “disillusioned evangelical”. I’m not ready not to be an evangelical, but I’m not sure I want to be one either. It really does feel like the ruins are still standing. The thing with ruins is they can be left to continue to fall down, till no one knows that there was a building there. Alternatively they can be restored to be as they were before. This can be a good thing, or just an irrelevant monument to the past. They can be preserved as they are a ruin, which can be irrelevant, or as is often the case with historic ruins a place of peace and tranquillity. Another option is that the ruins can become part of a totally new building, not resembling what went before, but relevant to the current situation. It will be interesting to see what happens to the ruins which are still standing at the moment.

Recently I’ve been trying to expand my reading of Christian theology to ensure that I move outside of that which i am traditionally use to (conservative evangelical.) It’s interesting trying to think what sort of bias what we read has, and how this effects what we think of as “fact”. This was re-enforced to me when I visited Hampden, last week. It is the Scottish national football ground, and from the museum you would think that Scotland, was the greatest team in the world, and definitely always beat England. There was nothing wrong with the facts that they were presenting, they were just selective in what facts they present. This is often true in our reading, and while something that I knew, it has been re-enforced to me in a new way to help me think more when I am reading.

Not sure when I’ll get near the internet to upload this, but hopefully soonish. For various reasons I’m fed up with life/ rethinking lots of things, which may get blogged about at some point, but not really ready to yet, so instead I thought I would share the following conversation that I held with my Dad. I should begin by explaining that my parents are traditional conservative evangelical (were brethren, now independent.) I’d text my Dad to tell him I was in the Republic of Ireland, which he didn’t know about. When I phoned to explain (random moment as part of a couple of days madness!!) he told me the guesses that he’d had as to why I was there. The conversation went like this. Dad: “My first guess is that you’ve got a boyfriend there.” Me: “No, I haven’t got a boyfriend in the Republic of Ireland” Dad: “You had a job interview there” Me: “No I didn’t have a job interview” Dad: “I tried to persuade Mum that this was the most likely, you’d gone to join an order of silent nuns” Me: “No Dad, I had not gone to join an order of silent nuns.” I wonder sometimes how my Dad’s brain works!!

If i could have a little figure doing cartwheels across the top of this post i would! I have finished the first draft of my essay. (It will probably take me a couple more hours to finish, but the worse part is done.) Now all I need is some sleep!

Sometimes I feel like I’m going round in circles. Life just always seems like it’s an uphill struggle. When you walk (or cycle) uphill you keep reminding yourself, at least there will be a downhill to enjoy, or that the view will be great. Why doesn’t life feel like that? Why does it feel like it’s just trudging up hill, through woods so you can’t enjoy the view? It just feels like I go from one problem to the next, without many “enjoy the view” moments. (Sorry about the negativity, essay is looming large which always makes everything else seem worse. Also the best way for me to stop feeling like this is to spend time chilling with friends, not an option due to essay!)